By Donna Cardillo, MA, RN, CSP, FAAN
During my years as a manager and director in healthcare settings, as well as sitting on multiple professional association boards over the years, I had to learn, often the hard way, the art of civil discourse. Simply stated, civil discourse is the ability of two or more people to discuss opposing views without hostility or deliberate antagonism. It uses facts, logic, persuasion, and respect for all parties and viewpoints, rather than intimidation, angry outbursts, aggression, and personal attacks.
The benefits of mastering civil discourse are many, including improved communication, mutual understanding, consensus building, problem-solving, and better living for all. The following are some of the things I have learned and tried to practice over the years in my personal life, work, and study of human communication.
WHAT WORKS
Listening with your ears, your eyes, and your heart. Don’t just hear the words the other person is saying, but notice their body language, emotional state, and stress level. This can tell you more than what they’re actually verbalizing.
Moderating the tone and volume of your voice. It serves no useful purpose to come across as aggressive and hostile. This is a sure way to escalate any debate or discussion. When others feel attacked or threatened, they often feel the need to attack back.
Not making it personal. Stick to the facts, and be as objective as you can when stating your viewpoint or issue. Respect the other person’s point of view even if it is different from your own, and appreciate that everyone has different values, perspectives, communication styles, and priorities.
Remembering that there are two sides (or more) to EVERY story. Reserve judgment until you hear all sides, if you even get that opportunity, and presume the truth lies somewhere in the middle. We each tend to relay our own biased version of what happened or what we think happened. When someone tells you their story, consider it one puzzle piece.
Apologize when necessary. If you cross a line during discussion and realize you have done so, say you’re sorry for the specific behavior you regret even at a later date. When I was young and inexperienced, I attended a statewide meeting. When a woman expressed a viewpoint with which I did not agree, I shouted publicly, “That’s crazy!” I no sooner uttered those words than I realized I should not have. I approached her after the meeting and apologized for my outburst and my words. She graciously accepted, and I learned a lesson in self-control. Likewise, if someone apologizes to you for their behavior, graciously accept instead of holding a grudge. We’re all human and make mistakes and missteps.
WHAT DOESN’T WORK
Name-calling and insults. This is never a solution. Objectivity and respect are called for.
Defeatist statements. Comments such as “We tried that, and it didn’t work” or “Things will never change” serve as roadblocks to progress and creativity.
Finger-pointing, both literally and figuratively. As stated above, don’t make it personal.
Eye-rolling and head-shaking. This is common passive-aggressive behavior. Control your body language. Actions speak louder than words.
Murmuring “under your breath.” Side comments, audible self-talk, and conversation while someone else is talking is rude and disrespectful. It also interferes with others in the group being able to hear what is being said.
Shouting. This conveys aggression, disrespect, and intimidation. As stated above, moderation in volume and tone will get you further than loud, angry utterances.
Sarcasm. Making fun of or mocking someone or something to show contempt, often poorly disguised as humor, only serves to inflame.
Aggressive and threatening behaviors. Getting into others’ personal space, waving your arms, and standing up when they’re sitting in an attempt to lord over them are all examples of this. Physical intimidation may be useful in the boxing arena or when trying to scare off a bear in the woods, but it has no place in public discussions and debates.
Start by reflecting on your own communication style and behaviors, as I did years ago when I yelled, “That’s crazy!” in a public forum. Self-awareness is the first step toward positive change. Don’t embarrass yourself or disrespect others with words and actions you may later regret. Learn to express yourself clearly, respectfully, and effectively by using the above points as a guideline. The more you master the art of civil discourse, the more your thoughts, ideas, and opinions will be heard and considered.
©Donna Cardillo. All rights reserved.
